As ever, people are sharing the accomplishments they’re proud of for the year and as ever, I tend to struggle because I haven’t done any of the typical stuff. However, I have done things and I don’t want to ignore them so here’s a short post about what I’ve done.
This year, I’ve spent lots of time supporting someone close to me who’s been going through a really difficult time. After struggling so much last year and fighting what felt like a losing battle with my anxiety, I’ve been able to regularly visit my Dad again and have visited my Nana 4 times too after 18 months of being unable to. I organised a party for my Dad and his sister at his house for our relatives, nearly all of whom I’ve not seen for over 10 years and it was a huge success and despite nearly throwing the cake layers in the bin after accidentally making them different sizes, I made the best cake for them that I’ve ever made (photos below).
I’ve spent a year showing up for therapy and giving it my all, despite it being really hard, despite it being painful, and despite all of my previous bad experiences. And I’m making small steps towards progress.
I’ve been outside more this year than probably the last 3 years combined and it meant that this year’s photo calendar that I made only included photos actually taken this year, unlike last year’s which included just 1 from that actual year because I’d been so unwell (photos below).
Despite it being one of my biggest anxieties, I’ve tried to tackle my health problems this year and probably the thing I’m proudest of is that I’m tackling my needle phobia. Ever since my first blood test when I was 9, I’ve been completely phobic of needles, can’t look at them, hear about them, have nightmares for days ahead of having tests and I’ve cried through every single blood test. In the space of 6 weeks this year, I had to have 3 blood tests and thanks to advocating for myself and making sure my needs were met, I’ve successfully had all 3 without shedding a single tear. That might sound pathetic but beginning to conquer that fear just before I turned 33 is something I’m so proud of because I actually never thought I would, such was the level of my phobia.
Finally, I’m proud of the lived experience work that I’ve been doing with Samaritans. It’s hard to find opportunities when you’re severely Agoraphobic and they’ve been absolutely brilliant at accommodating me and bringing the best out in me. I’ve worked on their Online Harms programme for nearly 2 years, I helped create practitioners guidelines and will soon be helping conduct research into the efficacy of this and I successfully applied to join their in-house research ethics board as a lived experience advisor as well, something I absolutely love as it combines my passion for mental health and suicide prevention with my academic interest in research. It’s been such a confidence boost being able to work with others on projects that will change and save lives.
Oh and I’m learning to knit. My Mum and Grandma tried to teach me when I was a child and I was absolutely awful at it. I could only make scarves and every single one of them had a hole in because I dropped stitches and didn’t know how to pick them back up. I’ve been desperate to knit for a few years because there are certain things that don’t really lend themselves to crochet and after finding an epic pattern for a knitted dinosaur skeleton jumper I realised I needed to learn to knit. It’s early days but I’m well on my way with this cableknit scarf (photos below). I’m hoping cableknit jumpers are in my future and I’m hoping to learn to make socks, hats and jumpers soon, just as soon as I’ve learnt to cast off, increase and decrease. I don’t do things by halves!
As many of you know by now, I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions or wishes or plans, so I’m going to keep doing the things I’m enjoying, keep seeking answers and solutions to my health problems, and keep spending time with the people who know me best and bring out the best in me. I’m lucky enough to have some very lovely cheerleaders around me who know when to boost me, who remind me that I’m enough, who remember all the things I’ve achieved and the skills I’ve amassed when I feel like a useless potato and possibly most importantly, who accept me for who I am, with all of my quirks, failings, deficiencies and all of the not enoughness and too muchness (often in the same 5 minutes) and love me anyway, despite all of those things and according to them, because of those things too. They’re the ones who keep me going, who believe in me when I don’t and who help me find a path when I can’t see one, they’re the ones most of my achievements this year are because of because without them I wouldn’t have had the confidence or courage to apply for positions, go outside, pick up knitting needles, rescue my cake, or start tackling my needle phobia so it’s thanks to them and the bravery they instil that I’ve been able to push myself and do things I’m proud of.
Wishing all of you a very happy new year with things to look forward to, things to be proud of and people to support you when you need it, we could all do with plenty of that!
In The Midst Of Madness 